by Linnea Hardin, EM Summer Staff in New York City
I cannot tell you how many times I had walked down Lenox Ave. from the subway stop on 135th, passing by the hospital, to the Salvation Army on 137th this last summer leading mission trips for Experience Mission.
There are always a lot of people on the sidewalk outside of the hospital, at all hours of the day and night. After a few weeks, I couldn't help but notice one particular woman in a wheelchair who seemed to ALWAYS be there, sitting under the little awning, surrounded by four or five bags of stuff. She never begged for money or yelled strange things as I passed, like many other street-dwellers in Harlem do. She just sat there, quietly observing the hospital block of central Harlem. Because of her quiet demeanor, it was easy to just walk on by, without giving her a second thought.
I distinctly remember walking by one day with a mission trip volunteer team, casually pointing out the fact that she was always sitting there. As I said that aloud, I felt a deep conviction to talk to her, right then and there. But I didn't. I kept walking with the team, and one of them even said, "Well, maybe one day you can talk to her and find out why she is there." I knew God wanted me to take the time to talk to her, but I was too prideful in the "good work" I was planning and doing to obey His distinctive voice calling to my heart.
(Needless to say, I've been trying to break down my innately and wrongly works-based faith in order to wrap my mind more around the meaning, reality, and appearance of God's grace as the basis of my faith. Grace is the foundation, and action is the result of receiving that grace.)
A couple weeks later, I had stepped out from the evening activities with the team in order to catch up on some logistical responsibilities I had fallen behind on. I was walking back from the coffee shop, when I felt the Holy Spirit seriously tugging at my heart yet again, as I walked passed the woman in front of the hospital. I kept walking, got back to the Salvation Army, and turned right back around towards the hospital. I knew that in this act of surrendering my own agenda, I was aligning myself more with God's will, and that was more important than the official duties of my job that night. Plus, I knew my fellow summer staff would willingly take care of those things for the night because they're just that amazing and supportive (shout out to the real MVPs, Nick and Abbie).
Because of Her Chains
I introduced myself to Ramona, and we hit it off right away. She told me about the struggles of life in the shelter system and being homeless on the streets. She told me about how she wants to use her experiences and voice to advocate for other homeless people. She told me about her past job. She told me about her other homeless friends and the kind people who worked in the hospital. Mostly, she told me about her faith in Jesus Christ and how she sought to be a light to everyone on the streets. We talked about the brokenness of the world, aching for the body of Christ to stand up and act, and the heartbreaking disparity between the poor and the wealthy. Ramona and I talked about how we knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that God had sent me to her that evening, and how I was an answer to a specific prayer she prayed.
As someone whose top trait on the Gallup Strengths Quest is "Empathy," I had taught my heart to become somewhat calloused to seeing homeless and impoverished people every day, as a form of self-protection from my "bleeding heart syndrome." I'm not saying that was the right thing to do, but that's just how I coped with what I experienced.
However, as much as you try to shelter yourself from it, something profoundly rattling happens to the soul as you stand out on the street with your homeless friends at 11pm, when the night turns chilly and dark (literally and spiritually). I watched as Ramona pulled a free Delta airlines blanket around her shoulders and put a plastic bag around the boot on her right foot, in fear of the coming rain. Another homeless man who had kindly introduced himself to me curled up on nothing but his wadded up sweatshirt and the filthy cement ground, a few yards away from Ramona and me. I saw drunken men stumbling and swearing at each other, as another fell under a parked van on the curb.
It's one thing to just see people during the day at soup kitchen and know in my mind that this is their lifestyle at night, but it's quite another to be there while it all unfolds, knowing that at any moment, I can return to my safe, spacious, warm bed, while they are left with no choice but to brave the dangers of the night. It's sickening, frankly, and it broke my heart open.
But Ramona took everything in stride. So much about her situation was in no way ideal, but in another sense, everything about her situation was perfect. I think of Paul's words in Philippians 1:12-14, and I can't help but see Ramona as a sort of modern-day example of Paul. "Now I want you to know, brothers, that what has happened to me has really served to advance the gospel. As a result, it has become clear throughout the whole palace guard and to everyone else that I am in chains for Christ. Because of my chains, most of the brothers in the Lord have been encouraged to speak the word of God more courageously and fearlessly."
BECAUSE of his chains, BECAUSE of Ramona's circumstances, God has been glorified and His gospel message has been shared in the darkest of places. Ramona is truly in the trench alongside her fellow homeless friends, and she is showing them who God is through every trial and tragedy that comes their way. She clings to her faith when everything else of this world is so clearly wretched and failing. She is viewed as a mother in the community, even to those who are older than she is, and she does not take pride in that, but instead uses it as an opportunity for ministry.
The story doesn't end there.
Nick and I ran to CVS that night, getting there just minutes before it closed, to shop for a few things Ramona needed. One thing we couldn't find that night was a blanket. The blankets I used at the Salvation Army didn't belong to me, so I didn't feel it was right to give them away. I told Ramona I would go buy her a blanket in the morning.
The morning came, and Nick and I ended up having a really early morning, driving an ambulance-turned-canteen through Manhattan, the Bronx, and Queens to another Salvation Army location. When I got back, it had already been a pretty hectic morning and we had a full day ahead of us. Being the selfish, sinful person I am, I decided I was too tired to try to track down a blanket for Ramona. So I didn't. She even called me that afternoon and asked again if I could get her that blanket. I actually told her I was busy and didn't know if I would have time to step away and do that.
Days passed by, and I continued to dodge Ramona. I would go out of my way to walk across the street and avoid having to face her. It sounds awful, and it was. It was absolutely, 100% wrong of me to do that, and I definitely did not represent Christ. I even had time over the weekend to get a blanket, but I was more interested in having a fun last weekend in NYC than taking care of a sister in Christ.
Nearly a week had elapsed since my first meeting with Ramona, and I had still been avoiding her out of guilt and my "busyness." At the first evening debrief and discussion with our final mission trip team, I confessed my failures in living out my mission. I asked them to hold me accountable to take action, and they asked if they could meet her and buy her a blanket with me. What God-sends those people were.
There are so many places in Scripture that speak against the very thing I had been doing that week. Something in particular that was like a knife to my conceited heart was James 2:14-17. "What good is it, my brothers, if a man claims to have faith but has no deeds? Can such faith save him? Suppose a brother or sister is without clothes and daily food. If one of you says to him, 'Go, I wish you well; keep warm and well fed,' but does nothing about his physical needs, what good is it? In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead."
James also says earlier, "Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves: Do what it says."
Anyway, thank the Lord for that mission trip team from Virginia. The next day, we visited with Ramona for over an hour, and she even got teary-eyed a couple of times with joy that we came to see her. She didn't say anything to me, but I know she had seen me avoiding her on the street that week; she had confided in another one of my friends that she was disappointed, and rightly so. But she was too kind to say anything to me, and I think she probably forgave me in her heart because that's the kind of person she is.
We prayed for her, and when we asked what in particular we could pray for, she asked us to pray for all of the homeless people, not just her. She jumped in while we prayed to pray for all of us. A couple passersby came and joined us in prayer, too, which was beautiful and unifying. That prayer time was an amazing reminder that we ALL are equally in need of our Savior and His grace. Proverbs 22:2 says, "Rich and poor have this in common: The Lord is the Maker of them all." We are all precious children in God's eyes. Reading passages about the rich and the poor (James 2:5, Matthew 19:23-24, Matthew 25:41-45) reminds me that I have much to learn from the poor, whom Jesus relentlessly LOVES and tells us to be more like.
Later that night, we had our hot dog outreach event, where we feed 300 hot dogs to anyone who comes by the Salvation Army, and we just sit and chat with them. The beautiful souls of Team Virginia decided to not only bring Ramona a hot dog, but also to push her in her wheelchair and carry all of her stuff over to our block, so she could join in fellowship with us for an hour or so. Those guys are the other real MVPs, and they really put flesh on Jesus that day.
I share this story for a few reasons.
One, to show that I am absolutely imperfect and wretched at the core, but solely because of Jesus' perfection and mercy, I am a treasured instrument and a beloved extender of mercy and grace and love. He still chooses me to be on His team. He still delights in using me to carry out His mission on earth, and I am forever in awe and thankful for that. Two, to say that even through my mess-ups, I am able to give myself grace because I know God gives me grace. By not giving myself that grace, I am essentially saying that I have a higher standard for forgiveness than God, which is straight whack. Three, to share a beautiful illustration of God through Ramona. We should all strive to be more like her in her unending compassion, devout faith, and adherence to the truth.
"Pray also for me, that whenever I open my mouth, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should."
- Ephesians 6:19-20
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