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Since traveling to different communities in different countries and cultures I have witnessed a lot of brokenness. When entering a new community it is often easy to see some of the brokenness very quickly. Sometimes you can visibly see it. You can smell it. You can sense it when you speak with people. It is difficult to experience their brokenness. Overwhelming thoughts begin to flow such as what can I do to help mend their brokenness? How can Jesus heal their hurts? What becomes very difficult is when the focus shifts from the communities’ brokenness and you begin to see and experience your own. What do you do when you realize your ideas and view point is incorrect? What do you do when you see the problems in your own life while trying to help others?
I’ve experienced there are two different reactions we can have when we experience our own brokenness. One option is to shut down and completely withdraw from day to day activities. Realizing that you yourself have problems just like everyone else can be devastating especially if this is your first time seeing a specific issue. Your self image and value you place on yourself plummets and you are left with a sinking feeling in your gut. Another reaction to recognizing your weaknesses is look at the situation and learn what you can from it. Take it as a challenge. A weak point has been discovered and now it is time to fix it. See it as an opportunity to grow and gain experience from it.
My Understanding of Marriage was Broken
On September 24, 2011 I committed to spend the rest of my life with one woman. Going in to our marriage we both knew that it was very possible we would not really have a ‘normal’ life. We promised we would take life on together. There hasn’t been a moment where I have reconsidered that, but over the past couple months without Sara here I have realized my picture of marriage was broken.
After the honeymoon we entered real life and began living that life together. However, my thoughts about what marriage was began to narrow. Eventually, I came to the point where it felt like our marriage was two separate lives that come together in the evenings. Sara had her job. I had my job. I didn’t understand what she went through every day at work, and I don’t know if she understood what I went through with my job. But we would come together in the evenings and that was our time.
I often felt like I needed space to relax, breath, and be alone to chill in front of a video game or television. My space was very important to me. As soon as Sara would go somewhere I would immediately jump into a game of Call of Duty, turn on ESPN, or go work on something around the house; anything to take me away and distract me from the busy life around me. I saw that was my time to be me.
It has now been 61 days since I have seen my bride face to face. During these two months my idea of what marriage is has changed. I realize that God has called a husband and wife to be much more than two lives that come together in the evenings. Mark 10:8 says, “and the two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two but one flesh.” This is easy to see that his union between a husband and a wife happens on a physical level. However, I don’t usually think about the deeper intertwining that takes place between a husband and wife in order to become one flesh. Lately, I’ve been reflecting on Ephesians 5:22-28.
“Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the lord. For the husband is the head of
the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Saviour. Now as the church
submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the
washing with water through the word, and to present her to Himself as a radiant church, without stain or
wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.”
I think some men really enjoy reading the first part of that scripture; ‘the wife should submit to her husband’. But why? Why should a wife submit to her husband? You have to jump down to the middle of that section of verses to get that answer. The wife should submit to her husband because the husband is supposed to give all of himself to her. If we as husbands abandon ourselves to our wives and lose ourselves to them we are no longer our own. We belong to our wives, and together with our wives we are one body. The Bible then says he who loves his wife loves himself. So, back to the question, why should a wife submit to her husband? Because the husband should have the absolute best intentions 100 percent of the time for his wife. Christ has placed him as the head of the relationship. It isn’t to rule the house as a dictator. It is to lead by surrendering himself to his wife. The submission from the wife is a reflection of the trust and respect the wife has for her husband. It creates a healthy cycle. The husband continues to commit himself to his bride because she continues to respect him.
I’ve been thinking about what marriage looks like to God. As I read the verse from Ephesians it is incredible to think about how God thinks of us.
“Just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to Himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless”.
Jesus loves us so much that He gave all of Himself for us. Because of what He did for the church He no longer sees the impurities. When we walk in relationship with Him He doesn’t see our mistakes. He sees what He sacrificed Himself for; His bride, perfect in every way.
Comparing these scriptures to what my picture of marriage had become shattered me. I tried to be the best for Sara that I could be, but if I can be transparent with you I didn’t completely surrender myself to her. I still viewed our marriage as two lives that at regular intervals came together to share with each other. I treasured my alone time where I could relax and get away. There were also times in our marriage that I would base the amount of effort I put into our marriage based on my mood.
So, what have I really learned about my brokenness and what marriage should look like compared to how I viewed it? First of all, marriage is one man and one woman who leave their formal lives behind and commit to living one life together with the other. The two lives do not only share one life ‘sometimes’. The two are one. Period. The second thing I learned is that I really do not need my alone time to get away. Trust me, I’ve had an enough quiet evenings since Sara went home. I realize that I’m not that interesting on my own. Thirdly, my mood should not effect how I treat my wife. There area always highs and lows in relationships. It is important that even when I am in the low to live my life towards Sara as if I were in the high.
I have reacted both ways to my brokenness. For a short time I felt completely shattered. I didn’t know what to do but withdraw in the evenings and reflect. However, I decided I wasn’t going to let my brokenness keep me away from what I have been called to do here. So, I decided I was going to take the opportunity to learn and to grow.
This time apart from Sara has been so challenging. We have asked each other why so many times. It doesn’t make since that God called us here to take Sara away early. We may never know the answer as to why this all happened. Looking back though, if for nothing else, I have had time to allow God to shape the way I viewed our marriage. It has been a good learning opportunity. I have learned that when helping others walk through their brokenness I have to be willing to discover and walk through my own brokenness as well.
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