9/23/2018 1:35:05 PM

THE SEASON OF LIFE I AM IN: THE WAITING GAME. . .

“I abandon my addiction to the certainty of life and my need to know everything. This illusion cannot speak; it cannot walk with me at night, as I taste life’s fragility. I am looking for a Savior, I can see and know and touch. One who dwells within the midst of us.” . .
-Looking for a Savior, United Pursuit. . .

If this isn’t the season of life I am in right now, then I don’t know what is. Just graduated college, finished school and ended my basketball career. This summer was fantastic. I was able to travel to cities I have never been, rested a lot in nature with camping and hiking, and all other activities that accompanies summer. All of the busyness of summer kept me from really truly mediating upon what was next for me. Now with students going back to class, teammates starting up basketball season again, I find myself in a new stage, a stage of waiting. Currently I am waiting to hear back from PA schools for acceptance or rejection. I am also waiting to have my world turned upside down by leaving for Africa in January for a six-month missions trip. . .

I believe that is why this song hit home for me so much. After coming before the Lord and asking for a heart examination, I have realized that I DO have an addiction to the certainty of life and the NEED to know what is next for me. I realized I am a white knuckler. I say God is leading me but most of the time isn’t it I the one on the throne of my life telling Him where I would really like to go? Recently God has gut checked me. I have come to realize, I say I trust the Lord, but do I really? Having a need to know is it PA school God? Is it missions or something else? What is the path you’re taking me on? But when did I become entitled to this?! . .

So what has God been showing me? It’s not the destination that matters right now but it’s HIM. He isn’t giving me the answer right now because he wants me to pursue him with all I have. So many of us waste the waiting time. We think well I will start my life when…blank. And we miss what God has for us right now!!! And it hasn’t been easy. Within this past week Satan has been attacking me and trying to break me down. He has been whispering lies to me that I have no meaning or identity right now. Since I’m not a student or an athlete (which I have been my whole life) what value do I offer? I am so used to being busy 24/7 with a hectic schedule. That was my normal. So finding myself with down time, the enemy has been using that to try and destroy me. . .

Then this weekend I was reading in Isaiah 45 where the Lord was speaking to the Israelites and here is what He says, “To my anointed, whose right hand I take hold of to subdue nations before him, to open doors before him so that gates will not be shut: I will go before you and will level the mountains, I will break down gates of bronze and cut through bars of iron. I will give you hidden treasure, riches stored in secret places, so that you may know that I am the Lord. I summon you by name and bestow on you a title of honor and will strengthen you though you have not acknowledged me.” . .

And I felt the Lord sweeping over me right in that moment saying “Hannah like the Israelites I have amazing things in store for you that you can’t even fathom. I have hold of your hand and am leading you and summoning you. But right now they aren’t to be revealed because I want you to truly and desperately want me.” And I was brought to tears realizing part of my motivation for seeking him was for answers to my unknown future. But I want to strip away that selfishness and pride and seek him SOLELY to know my Creator, Lord, and King better. I saw this season of waiting I am in as something to get through but now I see it as such a BLESSING!! I don’t have hours of studying for school or hours spent practicing for basketball. No instead I have abundant time to seek Him! This is a season of my life where I can dig into His Word, spend time in prayer, serve and give my time to others and be strengthened, equipped and built up by community. . .

So do I still know where I will be going in the future? Not necessarily. But I know I am falling more and more in love with the One who holds my future. Which has given me a peace that is indescribable. As my dad told me a few years ago, God hasn’t forgotten about you Hannah, he sees exactly where you are at right now and he is taking you somewhere special. He is faithful. So I am letting go of my control to know everything and instead seeking the Lord with all my heart and soul and strength. I give him the throne of my life at whatever cost that will be for me. As I am doing this I am finding new pieces of Him everyday. And I believe that along the way as I fall more in love with Him, He is going to lead and reveal where He wants me to be.

8/2/2018 11:37:21 AM

LOVE THROUGH THE EYES OF JESUS

This is something that has been weighing heavily on my heart especially this past month or so. Who really is the TRUE Jesus and are we living and loving people as he has called us to? When I take a deep dive into my heart and look at the church around I don't know if we really are. It's hard to admit. But recently I have to come to realize that I have made up in my mind who I want Jesus to be. A safe Jesus. Growing up in the church I have constructed my own God and watered Him down quite a bit. This is where I and others have gone wrong! As I have dove into the Scriptures more and asked God to show me His true character I have almost been knocked to my knees with what I have found. And it's crazy because it is all things I have read before. When you look at how Jesus lived his life here on this earth, the whole time he was about recklessly, passionately loving people. ESPECIALLY those the world looked down upon. He hung out with the sinners, those who had deathly diseases, the widows, the tax collectors (who stole money and people hated). And it drove the high priests, the pharisees, and those higher up in the church CRAZY. They started to hate Jesus because he was loving the "lesser". It simply didn't make sense to them!! And this has rocked my world because I think we can sometimes act and live like those pharisees. In the church we can talk about loving the poor, the widows, ect. but are we actually living like that?! When we see the homeless on the streets do we have automatic thoughts spring up in our mind and put our own story on them or do we go and love them and learn they're story and tell them about the love of Jesus? I know I don't! But Jesus would have. When Jesus tells us to sell our possessions to the poor and give up worldly passions to follow him do we? The disciples did. These are the things that are punching me in the face.

1 Corinthians 13- "If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, if I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and knowledge, if I have faith that can move mountains, if I give my whole body over to hardship that I may boast, BUT if I don't have LOVE then I am NOTHING."

I have heard this verse over and over but after I let this sink into the core of my heart it hit me! We can be able to do all these amazing things in the name of Jesus but if we aren't loving people, Jesus is like you are missing the whole point! No one cares if you can give a good speech or facebook post, because if you aren't truly loving those people, they won't listen and they won't want to know the Jesus we serve.

I leave here with this thought: Matthew 7: 22-23 - " Many will say to me (Jesus) on that day that I come back, "Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name and in your name drive out demons and in your name perform many miracles?" Then I (Jesus) will tell them plainly, 'I never KNEW you. Away from me, you evildoers!' "

Wow. We can be doing all of these "good" things that the church and world tells us to do. But if we aren't relentlessly seeking an intimate relationship with Jesus we are missing it. He doesn't want our good services, Jesus wants US. Broken as we are but yet he still wants us. Humbling. And when we come to know him personally then it will automatically just flow out of us to authentically love others because it will be him doing so THROUGH us.

5/28/2018 10:56:01 AM

"None of us possesses ALL the things we need to do what we are called to do yet." What I have found to be so true is that we will never be 100% ready to do what God has called us to do. We will never feel 100% equipped. This has been SO huge for me to realize the past year of my life. God keeps calling me to step out of my comfort zone for His purposes and it terrifies me. I am someone who has always liked comfort and I just imagine God smiling down on me saying, "Hannah just wait for what I am going to call you to do next." I really think He gets a good laugh out of me. (In a loving way) But here's the deal! I look at what the Lord has done through me this past year and it astonishes me. He called me to co-lead a bible study for my basketball team and I laughed at Him when he first placed it on my heart. Because I always told myself I wasn't good enough or equipped enough or READY enough to do something like that. But His hand was all over that bible study and amazing things came out of it! Now He's calling me to go to Africa for 6 months next year and that same fear and doubt is creeping back up. The enemy is trying to speak lies into me that I am not good enough to go preach the gospel to the lost in the world, that I won't have enough courage to do so or that this is too radical for me. I keep thinking to myself okay well I have 7 more months to get myself ready for this trip. But those are all lies. I will never be fully ready for something like this. But that is the BEAUTY of this!! That's the beauty of life. God doesn't use those who are ready or fully equipped He uses those who are AVAILABLE. Those who say you know I am scared and I know I can't do this on my own but I trust you Jesus. I trust you to show up and do amazing things through me. Because that is the only way we can do what God has called us to do...is to rely FULLY on His Holy Spirit. Otherwise if we try to do things on our own we're screwed. So yes I still want to continue to grow in my loving Father and know more about Him but I am going to stop believing the lies that I'm not ready. Because will I ever be?


I am ready to stop trying to be ready.